Month: June 2014

Am I still on the stairs?

So, in this new step, I don’t know which number, I’m back to the beginning. I have realized why I can’t walk away, I think. I feel like maybe I’m missing the good. Maybe I’m so focused on the bad that I’m ignoring the good.

I’m not one who has had to deal with much that I don’t like. I’m spoiled in that way. So, I don’t have to deal with all of these things in people that make me unhappy bc I can replace them. It’s a sad reality.

Now, I don’t replace everyone. I keep closer long term friends. It’s my relationships that I don’t know what to do with. Maybe I’m just a bad partner. Even with exes, I know that I didn’t give what I should have.

Why do I feel so much toward her? There has to be a good reason, right?  I try to push it off, minimize it, relate it to my vulnerability but, I’m not vulnerable in that way anymore. So what now?

I have always said that the same things that we love about a person turn into what upsets us. Her compassion when I needed her most. Now, I’m upset that she still has that for someone else. I have it for a lot of people. Is this fair of me?

I need to know. I just got a promotion, she said it. If I don’t know what’s going on, understand it, I can be negative. The woman that I love has said the same. Probably true. I’m used to being in control and, especially after the DV, it’s hard to relinquish.

Beyond all of this, is it in me to give her anything else? Could I even do that? Should I? It’s so hard to say.

I keep saying, it’s her or alone. Moving forward with her or moving into really reconnecting with me. Which do I choose? Which can I do?

I haven’t wanted to give do much before. I haven’t stuck through this much before. Mind you, I’m not doing it in the kindest ways. I think I have reminded her a lot of how she had hurt me. In return? She does it more.

She has tried in some things. Took me to the cabins. It was beautiful. On my first cruise, we had a great time. She wrote me every day when she went on hers. She told me that she would and she really did. I didn’t think she would even write once.

I didn’t even tell her that I was promoted. I don’t feel like we are on any terms right now though. I don’t feel like I have ever known my role with her. Not completely.

Sometimes, I feel like maybe I tell others too much about us. Causes issues. Causes me to dwell on the hurt rather than to hold on to the good. Maybe that’s it? Idk.

Can these things be made new after all of this? Realistically, can they? Or is it best to scrap it and move forward?

I wonder how she would feel about things that I have said and done in the past two weeks. Well, we weren’t on any terms. No boundaries, no rules. I guess it doesn’t matter.

Why are matters of the heart so freaking confusing? I wish they were easy, cut and dry like a puzzle. One answer. Logical path to it.

Being seen

Today, I got this from a friend. I mentioned am insecurity to her, very briefly the other day. This was so sweet that I had to post it.

The next time you take a picture of yourself and you notice things about yourself that you don’t like… I want you to think about:

1. Every time you got me to laugh through my tears.

2. The time you told my daughter that silly bedtime story about frogs and how you made us both feel good and normal despite all the circumstances.

3. How you took all my calls, heard me sobbing, talked me through it all.

4. How you cautioned me to not fall into traps and how that helped me immensely.

5. How you greeted our friend the other night when she walked in, how you made her feel wanted and welcome, how you told her you were happy to see her and I saw her feel good because of you.

6. How you hold things in while you have your own struggle, how you manage to be there for others in a way that I’ve never seen before.

7. How you bring tangible love and joy to people around you simply through your gestures and your compassion.

8. How your relationship with yourself is one that is teaching me how to have a better relationship with myself.

9. How your writing helps others to understand life and themselves more clearly.

10. And how you make everyone you meet feel special, and how that is your superpower.

Step 2 of ?

Unwarranted desire.

I have her calls going straight to vm. I didn’t even tell her I was backing out. I don’t need her to pretend to try anymore. Too hard to walk away.

She called me. I want to call back but I shouldn’t. These thoughts are going through my mind, questions. What if she needs me? What if something is wrong? What if she is magically changed?

Well, if any of them are true, she has the same person that she has kept behind her for the duration of our “relationship” to help her through it.  I can’t be that.

I didn’t even tell her that we weren’t speaking. She was off yesterday, didn’t bother calling. Obviously, her off days are better spent elsewhere. Cool. Mine will be too. Hurts now, won’t forever.

I saw this pic on FB. It’s so true.

image

At the end of the day, I won’t be happy with the person she had given me. It’s not going to change. It’s who she will always be with me. Is that just who she is? Who knows? But it’s not fair to either of us to continue this pointless journey.

How many steps to this program?

I’m trying hard to kill this addiction. It’s unhealthy. I hate this first step. It feels a lot like regret. I have been choking it down for the past couple of hours. Tension riding between my chest and my throat.

I made it so she can’t call me. I can’t let her or ill keep going back to where I don’t belong. Suffocating myself. Her. She won’t change. I cannot expect her to. I’ll never be satisfied with her as she is. I have to go.

I should not feel the way that I do about it. But I know I’m letting more than myself down. I don’t even want to discuss it. It should not even be. But here it is.

So little about it is right. Need to think this through, completely.

I think…I am

I should really be writing my novel. Instead, my mind is wandering like a dog off lead. I feel lost and the feeling is self-inflicted. I have to admit my internal frustration.

Currently, I’m in Starbucks.  I feel like I’m watching the world move forward as I stand still. My friend is sitting next to me, working on her future that will be so dramatically different than her last 10 years. Two women just met for the first time. I do not know why. A woman in a pink shirt just came in alone. She is texting. I wonder if that’s for comfort or to check on how long it will be before her company arrives.

The women that just met must be meeting for business. The one is listening to the other, very intently. Pink shirt looks bored on her PC now, almost lonely.

You ever sit and wonder about someone’s life? I do.

Random

The reminder comes unexpectedly. I am blessed. Surrounded at any given time by sunshine. Random “I love you” text in the middle of the night. Deep conversation that satisfy me in unexplainable ways.

It’s sexy. The verbal penetration that creates a deep stimulation. Without it, frustration.

She

It was indecent. I touched you there. I really shouldn’t have but something in me raged forward and before I could gain the sense to stop myself you were moaning. I couldn’t stop once your pleasure began. Foreign.

She pulled herself from within me and pushed me aside. Overtaken. Her rage and dominance controlled you. You missed the shift. I watched her continue. Why does she do it?

She hates to see me vulnerable. She handles it. My protector. My yang. Cocky, she took you. Deliberate and thorough. You had no chance. No one ever has, not even me.

You missed it. She mocked you in your satisfaction. You were hers and she lives in control. Her home. Her salvation. Her truth.

She completes me and destroys me simultaneously. She is all of me and none of me at any given moment. Her heart beats in unison with mine but her thoughts are something different. Darker. Less reserved. Animalistic.

Caged, she paces. She waits for you. She waits for me. Never sleeping.