A friend watched me speak today and give my testimony. She told me about what happened in the room when I did so. I was and continue to be moved by the connection that I felt.

That’s sexy

Mind blown!

Crazy thing

Crazy thing….I have been.

Gotta Decide

I need to take a long hard look at things. Really. Emotions are a pain in the ass. I guess this is life, shuffling through everything and figuring out what’s worth more of your time and what deserves a departure.

I spend sooo much time focused on this “relationship” and for what? There is no understanding, no friendship, no compassion and it’s too easy for both of us to do without the other.

I feel like she doesn’t take ownership of her own actions and she feels like nothing is good enough. Now, maybe we’re both right, maybe we are both wrong. Either way, it’s exhausting. It either needs to get right (unlikely) or finally be done (probably necessary).

Had to be honest, randomly honest

So, I think that I might have reduced my level of honesty in my writing. I can assure u that the act was completely unintentional but, it has happened. I need to find my “voice”again. Find that part of me that screams in a hushed tone from the back of my mind.

So, my feelings. All over at times. I do have a trust issue. In some situations, self-created, others not so much. That coupled with this vivid imagination make thinking things through, exhausting.

As it relates to my “situation”, it’s difficult to locate an appropriate balance. This middle ground between compromise and excessive sacrifice. See, I have never had to go through this level of struggle for anything. It makes going through struggle hard. But, I do realize that some struggle is necessary for the type of commitment I am looking for.

Now, whether or not this is the struggle…this has yet to be determined. And I realize that’s okay. I see the change I have gone through over the years and I see the intense amount of love I have been offered, even when I do not believe I was giving anything to deserve it. So, I know I can be loved especially now as I make effort to push beyond my current state and into a new one.

I am who has witnessed my direction and change from start to finish. Others see it, and this is satisfying to know that my efforts are not without recognition but, the effort is for personal gain. I have someone to become, as everyone does, and I must work to be her. This work is daily and it is infinite. There is no limit to our excellence beyond the limits that we place upon ourselves.

I have been…. pursued, loved, abused, misled, lied to, embraced, avoided, used, touched, catered to, nurtured, hurt, uplifted. I have been both the person giving these to myself and taking them from others. I am the sum total of my triumphs and defeats. I am.

Are we stuck in this world the way that we came in? That’s not one I’m going to answer.

Now, she told me that she loved me. This is what my partners worry about and fail to avoid all in the same action. I heard it out but could not embrace the idea. Confusion came where she placed the blame. In my rejection, she grasped to a name. I tried to give clarity in saying what was so. But, refusing to see it, she had to go.

Energy. Drained of it daily. Some people feel like leeches. They require so much and put back so little.

Mind empty. Time.