To be loved…

She said she loves me. I had no response.

Naturally, it is nice to hear that. It is comforting to know that someone loves you, even if only a small piece.

I cannot decide if it is real or not, that’s her truth to decide, not my own. I wonder tho if I am really someone that can be loved so quickly.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m pretty awesome. I like the person I am to myself and others. Other times, I feel like I’m not worthy of many things. Like maybe I have done so much wrong that my punishment could never make them better.

She told me not to change how I write but I think I may be, without even trying to. Random thought.

Right now, I feel light. I feel as tho I have rid myself of the weight of concealing my truth. I am voicing my heart. She is a part of this new effort, she sees this version of me. Apparently, it’s loveable.

I try to think before I respond, respect my situation along with her vulnerability. Never venture too far in a direction that I can’t come back from. At the end of the day, I know who I want to be and hurting someone bc it’s convenient or feels good for the moment is not the path I want.

I had so much running through my mind earlier and now, I feel almost blank. I don’t know how to express it or maybe there is nothing more to express.

At work today, as a 911 dispatcher, I realized that my job has taken a piece of my “humanity”. I have become numb to very real and very intense levels of human suffering.

Now, it’s not that I don’t care. But, you have to cope with these situations over and over again that most people don’t encounter once in their lifetime.

I have had to tell a man to check to make sure his wife was dead after he heard a gun shot from their bedroom, a sign she had taken her own life. My adrenaline pumps (at times) as my officers chase suspects on foot and in vehicles. I have talked to a man who just shot another and had to listen to his complete lack of concern for human life. I have listened to a woman scream as she watched her loved one get stabbed. I have listened to the gut wrenching screams of an onlooker as she watched helplessly as a man burned inside of his vehicle and pleaded for help.

These are just a few choice encounters. It’s a rewarding but stressful job. Did you know dispatchers get post traumatic stress? Well, now u do!

OK, it’s bedtime…

Dreaming of Consequences

It was a strange dream. I was in a city but also in my call center at work. I don’t recall how the transition happened to either one.

Anyway, I was offered cocaine and I used it. Odd for me bc I do not do drugs. But I did it and the high was interesting.

Not long after, I had a second hit. This one did not come with the same high but paranoia came. I wondered if they would notice at work, as I took 911 calls, that I had snorted an illegal narcotic.

I was in some type of diner And, suddenly, I was selling. I had a yellowish powder in my possession and bags of rocks. Even in my dream, I couldn’t help but to consider the consequences of my actions. I thought about felony possession charges. I thought about time to serve, about losing my job.

I woke up puzzled. What, if anything, did it all mean? Why is that suddenly on my mind? I know I have no interest in the literal situations but was something tucked away behind it?

Unconditional Love

She talks of it and her understanding is confusing. She brought it up after I responded to her question. She asked what I would do if she said she cheated.

Back story is that she has created issues in our situation already with emotional cheating. She has lied and created turmoil with a third party.

I responded that I would not stay. Reason being that cheating is a conscious decision and she knows the pain already created. Her action would no longer reflect poor judgement but instead a lack of regard to our relationship.

She went into unconditional love and how she wants that as if loving someone means u accept all of their bad decisions.

I do not agree. Unconditional love is an undying love. It’s forever, despite what is done. But I do not agree that u stay in anything alone. And by alone, I mean where the other party acts without considering the team.

People make mistakes. However, there comes a time when they are no longer mistakes but instead very conscious disregard for another.

I believe that in order for a person to truly love another, they must first love themselves. Accepting whatever a person decides to give u when u don’t feel valued in it is a disservice to you.

Loving someone from a distance is still loving them.

FB Thief

This was so perfect for me right now. ..

Freedom?

I write this because I need to. I write this because I have been so desperately trapped inside of myself that I have no idea how to get out.

It’s disturbing how a day, a situation, a moment can rip apart the normalcy I once believed to be my life. I want to be OK again. I don’t want to question myself so often. I don’t want to be OK accepting so little. I just want to be my own version of normal again.

When I go to group sessions about domestic violence, these women are so strong. They have endured so much. Their situations seem so big over so much time and it makes mine seem small, in my own eyes.

I was told that I am so compassionate toward others and neglect to give myself the same. I do not know how to. So I question how can I be more compassionate toward me?

I feel, too often, as if I should had known better. I should had accepted the signs and walked away before she ever put her hands on me. I am angry with myself for not being a better protector.

Then, less often now than before, I have found myself being angry for not pulling the trigger. For not ending the situation permanently. It’s an irrational thought, I understand, but it is honest.

I feel weak for allowing her to walk away. Apparently, jail and probation were not ample punishment for my sub conscious. I feel like I should not have let her walk away so easily after taking so much.

Once, I fantasized a different ending to that story. I was stronger (or more reckless), and I took control of the situation. I was in charge. I handled my issue. She couldn’t hurt me again.

These thoughts make me feel crazy. I have expressed them before and been reassured that they are natural, and maybe they are, but they feel crazy. I am not that person. I thought I wasn’t that person.

Hopefully, expression will help to free me from this emotional prison, one day. ..

To start…

The beginning. It is an interesting place to start. Instead I will create from somewhere in the middle and work my way out.

She strangled me. I loved her, she said she loved me and yet there she was, full weight on my chest and shoulders, trying to squeeze life from me.

Abuse did something to me and it was not what I thought it would. I’m angry at myself for not seeing the signs before it happened. I fight internally with myself.

But, that’s not it. In the situation, I witnessed my own darkness. I was ready to kill her. I had my gun held tightly in my hands and I was ready to pull the trigger. She doesn’t even know how close to death she was.

Who will I be if I ever get in another situation where I feel threatened? Will I be able to talk myself down again or will the darkness have its way?

So, this is my middle. She was my first love and we reconnected. I spent 10 years in between leaving her and seeing her again and she rarely left my mind.

When she came back, it was as tho she had never left. Everything moved quickly and, before I knew it, she was in my home and we were moving toward a future together.

The situation is over a year old but it still sits with me. I don’t know how to make it go away. Maybe it never will. I’m hoping that writing helps me understand and maybe it can even help someone through their situation.