To start…

The beginning. It is an interesting place to start. Instead I will create from somewhere in the middle and work my way out.

She strangled me. I loved her, she said she loved me and yet there she was, full weight on my chest and shoulders, trying to squeeze life from me.

Abuse did something to me and it was not what I thought it would. I’m angry at myself for not seeing the signs before it happened. I fight internally with myself.

But, that’s not it. In the situation, I witnessed my own darkness. I was ready to kill her. I had my gun held tightly in my hands and I was ready to pull the trigger. She doesn’t even know how close to death she was.

Who will I be if I ever get in another situation where I feel threatened? Will I be able to talk myself down again or will the darkness have its way?

So, this is my middle. She was my first love and we reconnected. I spent 10 years in between leaving her and seeing her again and she rarely left my mind.

When she came back, it was as tho she had never left. Everything moved quickly and, before I knew it, she was in my home and we were moving toward a future together.

The situation is over a year old but it still sits with me. I don’t know how to make it go away. Maybe it never will. I’m hoping that writing helps me understand and maybe it can even help someone through their situation.