She said she loves me. I had no response.
Naturally, it is nice to hear that. It is comforting to know that someone loves you, even if only a small piece.
I cannot decide if it is real or not, that’s her truth to decide, not my own. I wonder tho if I am really someone that can be loved so quickly.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m pretty awesome. I like the person I am to myself and others. Other times, I feel like I’m not worthy of many things. Like maybe I have done so much wrong that my punishment could never make them better.
She told me not to change how I write but I think I may be, without even trying to. Random thought.
Right now, I feel light. I feel as tho I have rid myself of the weight of concealing my truth. I am voicing my heart. She is a part of this new effort, she sees this version of me. Apparently, it’s loveable.
I try to think before I respond, respect my situation along with her vulnerability. Never venture too far in a direction that I can’t come back from. At the end of the day, I know who I want to be and hurting someone bc it’s convenient or feels good for the moment is not the path I want.
I had so much running through my mind earlier and now, I feel almost blank. I don’t know how to express it or maybe there is nothing more to express.
At work today, as a 911 dispatcher, I realized that my job has taken a piece of my “humanity”. I have become numb to very real and very intense levels of human suffering.
Now, it’s not that I don’t care. But, you have to cope with these situations over and over again that most people don’t encounter once in their lifetime.
I have had to tell a man to check to make sure his wife was dead after he heard a gun shot from their bedroom, a sign she had taken her own life. My adrenaline pumps (at times) as my officers chase suspects on foot and in vehicles. I have talked to a man who just shot another and had to listen to his complete lack of concern for human life. I have listened to a woman scream as she watched her loved one get stabbed. I have listened to the gut wrenching screams of an onlooker as she watched helplessly as a man burned inside of his vehicle and pleaded for help.
These are just a few choice encounters. It’s a rewarding but stressful job. Did you know dispatchers get post traumatic stress? Well, now u do!
OK, it’s bedtime…
Revisiting Sanity 