L.O.V.E

This whole idea of love is frighteningly fascinating.  It is this whole trial by error situation where one must consider what they do but not too much where one is no longer themselves. Not too little to where one only consider themselves.

Love is a beautiful idea. I don’t think it should require a lot of work. I think real love is probably natural and fluid like a river. It flows. It can get bumpy, sometimes REALLY bumpy but it keeps going.

If you’re like me, you just questioned what the dams would be in relation to my love theory. Well, I’m not sure but maybe that’s the love that needs to be still and patient. Or, maybe it’s a love that needs to end. Should love be in a constant state of movement? Or does it eventually find a quiet place to relax and enjoy the scenery?

The process of love finding us, it can be exhausting. We meet people, they seem great and then some time together reveals that they kinda suck. Ha. Hell, we can look the same way to them. Then what? It starts again!

Relationships and people can seem so right just because of things we are dealing with that have nothing to do with that person. They are instead a way out of it all, some sort of relief. Until their issues clay with our own and now they are a new source of turmoil. And maybe it would have been OK had the issues been limited to just the ones between the two of you BUT no, you brought in whatever situation you had that made this person seem awesome and now you are dealing with things and putting them on this new person when you really should had already dealt with it before them. Did you understand that long run on sentence? Read it again bc I’m not rewriting it.

Then come the options. There are sooo many. Question is, how do you know you have chosen the right one? Do you just pick and roll with that decision? See, so much to consider.

When love is real, how will I know?

Clearing it out

I woke feeling blessed. I spoke to some friends earlier, and was able to experience the depth in conversations that I, unfortunately, feel is lacking in my situation.

I think, a whole lot. My mind us constantly turning. When I’m not looking at situations from different angles, my mind is creating. I make entire worlds up there, brilliantly colored and acted out by characters that I must have passed once in my lifetime.

My friend, who I adore, recited a quote today. I cannot recall it exactly but it was something like ‘I wonder how many people I have looked at and never seen’ This was after I told her what I have been saying a lot, I have talked a lot in my lifetime but said very little.

It makes me wonder, how many people do I walk by and glance at without ever really seeing them? Then I realize how erotic thinking can be and my mind is off again to another place created by a stream on mental tangents.

My writing and my thoughts feel extremely light right now. I really feel as though I just woke up one day and thought I don’t want my life to be like that anymore. And I changed it, just like that.

I used to sit worrying and wondering what my partner might have done to hurt me again. Anxiously I would pay scenarios in my mind trying to figure out what new cruel and careless act was committed against me.

In retrospect, I didn’t trust myself. I have been weak, broken. It was not that I did or did not trust her. Trust is much more personal than that. I did not trust myself to protect me from whatever happened or to know if anything was.

Now, I know that I will. I’m back to reality. I am my best protector and I won’t allow the same hurt over and over again.

After the domestic violence, I didn’t trust my judgment or my about to protect myself from outside destruction. I was weak, in my own eyes and I think it allowed others to see the same.

No longer.

Unconditional Love

She talks of it and her understanding is confusing. She brought it up after I responded to her question. She asked what I would do if she said she cheated.

Back story is that she has created issues in our situation already with emotional cheating. She has lied and created turmoil with a third party.

I responded that I would not stay. Reason being that cheating is a conscious decision and she knows the pain already created. Her action would no longer reflect poor judgement but instead a lack of regard to our relationship.

She went into unconditional love and how she wants that as if loving someone means u accept all of their bad decisions.

I do not agree. Unconditional love is an undying love. It’s forever, despite what is done. But I do not agree that u stay in anything alone. And by alone, I mean where the other party acts without considering the team.

People make mistakes. However, there comes a time when they are no longer mistakes but instead very conscious disregard for another.

I believe that in order for a person to truly love another, they must first love themselves. Accepting whatever a person decides to give u when u don’t feel valued in it is a disservice to you.

Loving someone from a distance is still loving them.