I wish…

I was thinking to myself, as I often do, and I came up with this irrational thought. I wished I had succumb to some of my primal urges in the past, cheated, lived a Lil less with thought for everyone else and their feelings.

Irrational, as I said, but honest. I thought how much more I could put into my writing with experiences because I see how much I gain from being faithful and sometimes even muted for the sake of a relationship.

When I’m at my best, “girls tend to like me” (quote from a great read). This, unfortunately, plays in women’s natural insecurities. Maybe I’m just meant to be single and free? But I enjoy one on one connection far too much for that to be true.

So, here I am wishing I had lived a Lil on the wrong side so that I could put more personal reality into writing. Does it even need it? No, I keep wild company. But, it would had been fun.

Connection Interrupted

I find myself less and less interested in looking to her for anything beyond a physical connection. By physical, I do not even mean sexual. I mean closeness.

She does not see me. The more “conversations” that we have, the more I see the lack of interest in really understanding me. I put that in air quotes because that’s what they are, empty.

I feel the need to dance around and take the long way in conversations. I know I shouldn’t do it bc it’s not helpful. However, it feels like hey interest lie more in locating flaws and reasons I’m not enough than they do in really seeing me and knowing me.

I won’t even tell a direct story about my day because I feel like she is going to find new things to go “ah ha” why would I want you when you do this?

I used to really fall into that. I felt like her vision of my worth was starting to define my actual worth. I was silly then. I have learned that she doesn’t have any say in my worth. I, like everyone else, am perfect for who I am supposed to be and be loved by.

The fact that I deal with this with her makes me feel vulnerable and confused when my friend is really seeing me. She sees my flaws and she, seemingly, accepts them.

Now, I know that it’s easy for someone to feel like that before they have any part of you. I’m not blind to that at all and it doesn’t create a desire to leave but it does create a frustration where I am that is unfair to both my “partner” and myself.

It always seems to happen that way tho. As soon as things seem foggy at home, someone comes and offers up what is missing.

One might think this is bc I’m looking. I’m not. I realized, after my domestic violence situation, that people are drawn to weaknesses. It seems they come more when you are weak than strong.

When I was sad and hurting, feeling alone and confused, so many people seemed to notice me and approach me and try to get into my life. I think I just looked like I needed a friend.

Hell, maybe I put off these ‘I want to cheat on my partner’ vibes. I hope not bc it’s not my intention. But, as we grow, we learn ourselves. We learn what has and has not worked. We learn what we need and want.

I want to be free. I want to be successful. To me, that means that I am doing what puts a smile on my face, and at least one other person’s, each and every day.

Clearing it out

I woke feeling blessed. I spoke to some friends earlier, and was able to experience the depth in conversations that I, unfortunately, feel is lacking in my situation.

I think, a whole lot. My mind us constantly turning. When I’m not looking at situations from different angles, my mind is creating. I make entire worlds up there, brilliantly colored and acted out by characters that I must have passed once in my lifetime.

My friend, who I adore, recited a quote today. I cannot recall it exactly but it was something like ‘I wonder how many people I have looked at and never seen’ This was after I told her what I have been saying a lot, I have talked a lot in my lifetime but said very little.

It makes me wonder, how many people do I walk by and glance at without ever really seeing them? Then I realize how erotic thinking can be and my mind is off again to another place created by a stream on mental tangents.

My writing and my thoughts feel extremely light right now. I really feel as though I just woke up one day and thought I don’t want my life to be like that anymore. And I changed it, just like that.

I used to sit worrying and wondering what my partner might have done to hurt me again. Anxiously I would pay scenarios in my mind trying to figure out what new cruel and careless act was committed against me.

In retrospect, I didn’t trust myself. I have been weak, broken. It was not that I did or did not trust her. Trust is much more personal than that. I did not trust myself to protect me from whatever happened or to know if anything was.

Now, I know that I will. I’m back to reality. I am my best protector and I won’t allow the same hurt over and over again.

After the domestic violence, I didn’t trust my judgment or my about to protect myself from outside destruction. I was weak, in my own eyes and I think it allowed others to see the same.

No longer.

Consider This

I shop at a grocery store that employs individuals with mental handicaps (please give me a more PC way of saying that, if u feel the urge). One of these individuals seems to be a Lil fond of me.

Well, when I went shopping a few times (without my partner in tow), he approached me. He helped me with my groceries once and asked me questions about my marital status and if I lived alone. The following solo trip led to him asking for my number and an expression of interest in me.

Now, I don’t feel I did anything beyond what anyone SHOULD do to another human being which is respect him. Did I believe his “like” had any deep meaning or truth? I don’t know. But I let him down with a maybe next time.

Next time, my partner was with me. This employee approached us with a smile and very confidently said hi to me before asking of my partner “and who is this”?

To bring the story to a semi-conclusion and the real reason I’m writing this, I told my partner about what had gone on. I also said that I don’t always know how to turn people down when I am approached so gently and kindly. I feel like I do not want the person to make their next attempt fearfully.

Now, people that know my situation or that are just rude in their delivery, I have ZERO problem shutting them down. They need to learn a better way. Not to say I’m their teacher but I’m also not having it.

I have to add that I’m not approached often. Others tell me that it’s due to people being intimidated. Maybe.

Back to the story, my partner posed a question…”how do you expect to be someone’s wife when you say things like that?” Things referring to my not wanting to hurt the feelings of those that approach respectfully. She went on to say that u can’t carry the weight of everyone’s feelings on my shoulders.

Hmmm…I think I could had made that sound in my head. Why would you want a wife that lacks compassion for the people that have nothing more to offer her than respect? I did defend myself, I feel the need with her too often, and state that it’s not a weight I carry long.

Maybe I’m crazy for feeling that way, maybe I’m justified. Or maybe, and must likely of all, I’m just me.

Unconditional Love

She talks of it and her understanding is confusing. She brought it up after I responded to her question. She asked what I would do if she said she cheated.

Back story is that she has created issues in our situation already with emotional cheating. She has lied and created turmoil with a third party.

I responded that I would not stay. Reason being that cheating is a conscious decision and she knows the pain already created. Her action would no longer reflect poor judgement but instead a lack of regard to our relationship.

She went into unconditional love and how she wants that as if loving someone means u accept all of their bad decisions.

I do not agree. Unconditional love is an undying love. It’s forever, despite what is done. But I do not agree that u stay in anything alone. And by alone, I mean where the other party acts without considering the team.

People make mistakes. However, there comes a time when they are no longer mistakes but instead very conscious disregard for another.

I believe that in order for a person to truly love another, they must first love themselves. Accepting whatever a person decides to give u when u don’t feel valued in it is a disservice to you.

Loving someone from a distance is still loving them.

Freedom?

I write this because I need to. I write this because I have been so desperately trapped inside of myself that I have no idea how to get out.

It’s disturbing how a day, a situation, a moment can rip apart the normalcy I once believed to be my life. I want to be OK again. I don’t want to question myself so often. I don’t want to be OK accepting so little. I just want to be my own version of normal again.

When I go to group sessions about domestic violence, these women are so strong. They have endured so much. Their situations seem so big over so much time and it makes mine seem small, in my own eyes.

I was told that I am so compassionate toward others and neglect to give myself the same. I do not know how to. So I question how can I be more compassionate toward me?

I feel, too often, as if I should had known better. I should had accepted the signs and walked away before she ever put her hands on me. I am angry with myself for not being a better protector.

Then, less often now than before, I have found myself being angry for not pulling the trigger. For not ending the situation permanently. It’s an irrational thought, I understand, but it is honest.

I feel weak for allowing her to walk away. Apparently, jail and probation were not ample punishment for my sub conscious. I feel like I should not have let her walk away so easily after taking so much.

Once, I fantasized a different ending to that story. I was stronger (or more reckless), and I took control of the situation. I was in charge. I handled my issue. She couldn’t hurt me again.

These thoughts make me feel crazy. I have expressed them before and been reassured that they are natural, and maybe they are, but they feel crazy. I am not that person. I thought I wasn’t that person.

Hopefully, expression will help to free me from this emotional prison, one day. ..

I don’t know what else to do

I tried talking to my partner about the fact that she has never read a novel of mine. It’s been a year, I have expressed the importance and yet it still had not occurred. I have told her that my writing is intimate, the most intimate part of me and yet… she still takes no part.

I was feeling bad for sharing that part of me with another. I waited a year before I did. I felt like maybe I had given up on her. I tell her all of this for the same response. She doesn’t like to read. She is too busy. Excuse after excuse.

Should it hurt? I don’t know if it even does anymore. I have spent so much time focusing on her and what she gave me. I have spent so much time waiting on her, hoping she would care. I don’t know if I care anymore.

I wonder if I expect too much. Do I want more than I should? Am I being unfair?  I just don’t know. I wish it were easier to understand.

She took my comments to mean that I will just look elsewhere. That’s not even the case. I didn’t look for her. I didn’t look for what she is to me now. The door was left open. I was not looking.

I wanted it to be my partner. I waited a year. I denied the urge to discuss it, to really express it and now when it came I felt bad and tried to let her in only to be rejected again.

It’s any of this even making sense? I have never felt so rejected. Never. I hate it. I hate that I care how she feels when she so freely rejects me.