Freedom?

I write this because I need to. I write this because I have been so desperately trapped inside of myself that I have no idea how to get out.

It’s disturbing how a day, a situation, a moment can rip apart the normalcy I once believed to be my life. I want to be OK again. I don’t want to question myself so often. I don’t want to be OK accepting so little. I just want to be my own version of normal again.

When I go to group sessions about domestic violence, these women are so strong. They have endured so much. Their situations seem so big over so much time and it makes mine seem small, in my own eyes.

I was told that I am so compassionate toward others and neglect to give myself the same. I do not know how to. So I question how can I be more compassionate toward me?

I feel, too often, as if I should had known better. I should had accepted the signs and walked away before she ever put her hands on me. I am angry with myself for not being a better protector.

Then, less often now than before, I have found myself being angry for not pulling the trigger. For not ending the situation permanently. It’s an irrational thought, I understand, but it is honest.

I feel weak for allowing her to walk away. Apparently, jail and probation were not ample punishment for my sub conscious. I feel like I should not have let her walk away so easily after taking so much.

Once, I fantasized a different ending to that story. I was stronger (or more reckless), and I took control of the situation. I was in charge. I handled my issue. She couldn’t hurt me again.

These thoughts make me feel crazy. I have expressed them before and been reassured that they are natural, and maybe they are, but they feel crazy. I am not that person. I thought I wasn’t that person.

Hopefully, expression will help to free me from this emotional prison, one day. ..